Heart Aches

It is January 8 already and I don't have any updates in my blog. I don't have energy do this stuff because my HEART ACHES now.

I broke up with my boyfriend because of some reasons that I think few, including him, would not understand.

*I'm TIRED of him! I just can't understand why do I need to be the guy between us. Why can't he provide for me? I know he doesn't have work now, but, I'm very tired to spend money for him. Just ME spending money for him. He doesn't know the feeling because HE IS NOT in MY SHOE. I really don't know why he can't understand my point that we needed to establish ourselves first before we establish US.

*I'm SCARED for our future. If he can't provide for me now, how much more in the future? Can he be the husband who would provide for his family? Can he be a good father to my children? Can he protect us from dangers that would surround us? Can I totally be happy with him for all the things he'd been doing to me? I don't know. I'm just scared to  give my whole life to him because

*I DON'T TRUST him.

*I think he would be just LIKE MY FATHER who is being irresponsible now. I can see many of their similarities. I'm really afraid to be like my mom who stands as our sole parent although my dad is there. He never supports us. When he did, he would just give my mom a little amount of money, and he never shows his payslip to my mom. I don't want to be like them who always quarrel when they speak of money. I don't want to be like my family today who don't care to each other anymore because we don't have a father who must be the one to guide and discipline us.

*I'm SO SICK OF THIS! I am dreaming of a happy family who love and respect each other. But, I don't want to stay it a DREAM 'cause I believe that DREAMS still come TRUE. If you really WANTED it to happen, it WILL. Just do what is right, and plan ahead. Be futuristic. Learn your goals.

*And that's what I am doing right now. I hope he would understand me when the right time comes.

That's for now!!

mfrs

The tree, the leaf and the wind

Do you want to read a beautiful story about loving someone, letting go, and moving on?

I would like to share you a story entitled Tree, Leaf and Wind (just go to this link if you want to see the original site).

Tree, Leaf and Wind

Tree

===

The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal.

I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years.

She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so.

My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers.

When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school.

I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too.

During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"

Leaf

===

During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal.

I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right?

Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years.

Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay

Wind

====

Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left.

Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away

It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.

Disclaimer: lovefatedestiny.com

Just a share!

mfrs

SPACE

"Hindi pa ako RN, pero acting nurse na ako sa lola ko." - from my plurk account 1/04/10

Yeah right! Napag-isip-isip ko na hindi ko naman talaga kelangan maging Registered Nurse para maging isang nurse. Meron ngang iba dyan RN na pero sa ibang propesyon umaasenso. Naisip ko lang naman kasi medyo nadedepress na rin ako dahil hindi pa ako nakakapagboard dahil sa hinayupak na birth certificate na yan. Pero, nararamdaman ko namang maaayos pero hindi pa siguro soonest. Maybe, it will take months or years? Hehe. I don't know. But, I am thinking na maghanap na ng ibang work. Nakakapagod kaya tumambay, 'di ba 'di ba? Lalo namang nakakapagod kapag wala kang pera.

HELPING HANDS!!

Helping Hands... Ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin nito?

Kahapon, pumunta kami ng lola ko sa Alabang Medical Center para magpatingin sa doktor. Ako lang mag-isa noon dahil lahat sila nasa eskwelahan. Alam ko namang kaya ko, ang laki-laki ko na eh. Nagtawag ako ng taxi pero syempre, kelangan choosy ako. Ayoko ng nangongontrata. Dapat metro, pero dahil sa mga panahong ito napakakonti na ng mga driver na nagpapametro, pumayag na ako sa kontrata pero dapat 150 pesos lang. Syempre, sila naman yung ayaw pumayag kesyo nakapila and whatsoever. Eh, syempre mas lalo namang ayaw kong pumayag, 250 pesos ba naman, 200 pesos huling tawad, parang sa Divisoria lang ah, eh napakalapit nga lang nun. Kung ako lang, magjejeep lang ako eh, kinse pesos lang. Ayun buti na lang me pumayag sa presyo ko. Grabe hirap makipagtawaran. Daig pa mga nagtitindang intsik sa Divisoria. Pero buti na lang si manong, talagang nagvolunteer siya. Tapos sabi ko, "Manong, may susunduin tayo.". Iniwan ko lang kasi yung lola ko sa may kanto kasi ayoko ng tumawid siya. Sinundo ko na yung lola ko, nagulat ako wala yung taxi. Yun pala pinaurong lang konti nung traffic enforcer. Pero nung nakita niya kaming dalawa nung lola ko, inalalayan nya agad kami. Syempre medyo natouch naman ako dun. Tapos yung driver, binuksan nya pa yung pinto para sa amin. Wow. Special treatment nga naman talaga. Tapos nagtanong pa yung traffic enforcer, "Saan kayo pupunta? Magpapadoktor kayo?". Syempre sabi ko, "Opo. Sa Alabang Med po.". Ang bait mo manang! Hehe.

Habang umaandar yung taxi, napapansin ko na parang nagmamadali si manong driver. Hindi ko lang alam kung dahil ba sa tumatakbo yung metro nya, dahil alam kong dapat may tubo sya dun o, in a positive sight, nag-aalala siya para sa amin dahil kelangan ng madala si Mommylo sa ospital. Syempre, pilingera ako eh. Hehe. Pagdating ng ospital, Syempre, una akong bumaba, bumaba din si manong driver para alalayan ang lola ko. Wow. Touch na naman ako. para kaming mga donya na may sasakyan at pesonal driver. Pilingera ulit! Haha. Syempre, medyo nilakihan ko yung tip ko sa kanya. Dinagdagan ko ng bente, yung 150 pesos, naging 170 pesos, tapos binati ko pa siya ng, "Happy New Year!". Gaya-gaya ako sa magulang ko eh. Hehe. Tapos, may isang mama sa loob na tumakbo at sinaklolohan agad kami. Nagdala agad siya ng wheelchair at idineretso kami sa Emergency Room. Wow. Super Thanks talaga!! Sa loob, may mga nursing students na nag-assist din sa amin. Syempre, naalala ko yung mga panahong estudyante pa ako. Lagi silang nagtatanong, kung anung history ni Mommylo, Kung anu kinain niya bakit siya nagsusuka, ilang beses siya nagsuka. Todo assist din sila. Sila pa humawak nung plastik na sinusukahan ng lola ko. Haha. parang ako lang nung estudyante pa ako. Maya-maya, dumating na yung nurse. Siya naman yung nag-interview sa amin. Syempre, sinabi ko naman na nagsusuka nga siya, pero dapat talaga magpapa-check-up kami para sa puso niya. Ni-refer na lang muna kami sa gastro para nga sa suka niya. Maya-maya dumating na yung doktor. Yung itsura niya talagang nag-aalala siya. Tinanong niya kasi kung anu-anong gamot daw ang iniinom ng lola ko. Inisa-isa ko at ang sabi niya, talagang sasakit ang sikmura ng lola ko dahil matatapang na gamot daw yung mga yun. Kelangan daw palitan ng iba, at yung iba naman ititigil na. Syempre, natuwa din ako dahil halatang concern siya sa amin pero ganun naman talaga dapat mga doktor di ba? Pilingera nga kasi ako eh. Hehe. After nun, Nag-order na siya ng mga laboratories na gagawin sa amin like yung CBC, Upper Abdomen Ultrasound and ECG. Pagdating sa Lab, naghihintay kami sa labas nang tinawag ng isang babae yung pangalan ng lola ko, syempre taas agad ako ng kamay. "Present mam!" Eh wala yung utility kaya ako sana yung tutulak ng wheelchair, pero kinuha nya sa akin yung wheel chair. Natuwa na naman ako dahil tingin, ko napakabait nung babae. Kaso, sa bigat ng lola ko, di nya maipasok sa loob ung wheel chair kaya tinulungan naman siya nung isang babae sa loob. Siya pala yung radiologist na mag-uultrasound sa lola ko. Pagkatapos maultrasound, sa ECG naman si Mommylo. Mabait din yung nag-assist sa amin. Inalalayan niya si Mommylo hanggang sa makahiga siya at makatayo after nung process. Hinatid pa nila kami sa ER. 

Ewan ko ba. Tingin ko talaga sa lahat ng tao, mababait. Pati yung nurse namin, before I forgot to mention, napakabait din. Talagang tinatanong niya pa kami kung nagugutom ba kami, kung ok lang ba kami, kung san namin gustong mahiga na kama, etc. Tingin ko sa kanila they are angels sent from above. Sana lahat ng tao ganun. Hehe.

Helping Hands. Sa mga taong nabanggit ko kanina, sila yung nagpakita sa amin ng Helping Hands. Mula sa simpleng pag-alalay nila, hanggang sa pagtutulak ng wheelchair, sobrang nakakatouch talaga! At narealize ko na hindi rin pala masama na naging "pilingera" ako. It just shows that I appreciated all their simple efforts, smile and kind gestures to us. At isa pa, narealize ko din na dapat maging ganon din ako, katulad nila. Hindi kasi ako palatulong eh, hehe. Lagi kasi ako nag-aalinlangan. Ewan ko ba. Di ko alam kung mahiyain ako or whatever. Pero, I just realized na nakakataba pala ng puso 'pag may mga bagay na ginagawa sayo na hindi mo inaasahan.

"Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ~ William James

Maging pilingera ka daw ulit. Haha. Pero di mo alam na sa pagiging pilingera mo, madame kang nagagawang mga bagay na akala mo wala lang sayo, pero may kahulugan sa buhay ng ibang tao. 

Marame akong natutunan sa araw na ito, at tulad nga ng sabi ko, araw-araw dapat may mga lessons akong natutunan, at eto na ang simula para sa taong 2011, year of the rabbit! 

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love."  ~Mother Teresa

Hanggang sa muli!

mfrs

My 2010 year-ender's Blog!!

New Year has passed and yet I still feel the excitement! Sa totoo lang, mas excited pa nga ako sa New Year kaysa Christmas, eh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit? Dahil ba excited na akong tumalon sa pag-asang tatangkad pa ako. Dahil ba mas maingay, mas maraming paputok at maraming napuputukan at nawawalan ng daliri at kamay? Haha. Dahil ba sa mga fireworks sa kalangitan tuwing sasapit ang alas dose ng hatinggabi?

But, I think the main reason is the fact that our family is complete. Ewan ko nga ba kung bakit mas kumpleto kami tuwing New Year kaysa 'pag Pasko. Haha. 2010 ang nagdaan at madameng nangyare sa buhay ko. Hindi nga lang masyadong makulay ang huling kalahating taon ko dahil sa wala akong pinagkaabalahan kundi magpataba sa trabaho ko. Sumama sa kung saan, makipagngitian sa mga pulitiko, kumain sa mamahaling restaurant at kung anu-ano pa. Masaya din pero wala akong satisfaction sa ganun. Hindi ako natututo. Hindi ko feel na nagtatrabaho ako. Parang chaperon lang. So, kahit alam kong madaming makakamiss sa akin, umalis ako. And THIS YEAR, I am looking forward to find a better job for me. "Lord sana po 'yung malaki sweldo" Hehe. Well, bonus na lang siguro yun. Ang pinakamahalaga talaga eh yung maging happy ka sa ginagawa mo. Contented and satisfied. Sabi nga nila, sa Year of the Rabbit, ang mga Sagittarius daw ay swerte sa CAREER!! At talaga namang inspired and motivated akong maghanap ng trabaho.

Year of the Tiger at walang masyadong nangyare sa buhay ko. Maliban na lamang sa iilang bagay. Hehe. Pero, kung susumahin ko, napakaboring talaga.

Mas gusto ko pa nga nung nag-aaral pa ako eh. Namiss ko yung gumigising ako ng maaga, yung tipong  gigising ako15 minutes na lang kelangan ko ng umalis ng bahay. 10 minutes akong maliligo, 5 minutes akong magbibihis. Haha. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos yun na ang routine ko. Haha. Ewan ko ba. Since High School ganun na talaga ako. Di na ako natuto. Haha. Tapos, magmamadali ka pa para makaabot sa FX yun minsan ipagdadasal mo pa na sana ikaw na lang inaantay para makaalis na. Tapos pagdating naman ng Masagana, magsisimula na akong mag-brisk walking. Bawat segundo mahalaga. Dapat maka-10 wide steps ako every 1 second. Haha. Tapos pag wala pa si Ma'am o kaya si Sir, isang malakas na "Hay, Salamat!" pero kung nandyan na, di na ako mag-dadalawang isip na kumuha ng re-admission slip sa faculty ng college namin. Hehe. Madame talaga akong kalokohan nun.

After ng almost 4 hours of sometimes exciting, sometimes boring na lecture, ang pinakahihintay naming lahat, ang LUNCHBREAK! Haha. Syempre, kakain kami. Kung me baon, ilalabas namin ung baon namin. Kung wala naman, bababa kami tapos bibili sa ST Canteen. Naranasan pa nga namin 'yung maghihintay kang matapos kumain 'yung mga nakaupo pang estudyante. 'Di ba nakakahiya 'yun? Parang minamadali mo na silang kumain tapos bawat subo nila binibilang mo pa. Parang nakaka-conscious naman sa part nila. Haha.

After ng kain, syempre ang pinakapaborito ko! Ang SIYESTA! Haha. Ako lang talaga ang may pinakapaborito nito. Ewan ko ba bakit paborito kong matulog. Haha.

Pagpasok ulit ni Mam o ni Sir, syempre another tulog na naman ako. Haha. Maliban na lang kung manonood ng movie kay Sir Von, o kaya makikipag Pinoy Henyo kay Sir Gador, syempre gising na gising kami nun!

After ng 8 Hours of lecture, UWIAN NA! Syempre ako, asa pang uuwi ako ng maaga. Haha. Pupunta pa akong SM nun at makikipagkita sa BF kong lagi nalang late. Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng Diyos, lagi na lang siya ang late. Hindi ko nga malaman minsan kung bakit kelangang ako pa ang maghintay eh samantalang siya naman yung nauunang natatapos ang klase sa aming dalawa. Pag nagkita na kami, syempre una kong tanong, "Saan tayo kakain?" Haha. Syempre dinner muna kami. Swerte ko na lang kung malibre nya ako. Haha. Lagi kasing ako ang nanlilibre dun. Kahit pa sinasabi nya na siya raw. Haha. Ewan ko ba. Ayaw ko namang magbilang pero minsan di ko maiwasang sumama ang loob ko 'pag ako yung nanlilibre sa kanya. Haha. Kuripot eh noh. Pagkatapos kumain, syempre gagala pa kami nyan. Iikutin lang namin ang buong SM Manila. Magkukuwentuhan o di naman kaya manonood ng tig-kikinse sa sinehan. Uuwi kami mga 9 or 10 na. Syempre di na trapik. Masarap ng matulog sa FX nun. Haha. Malas lang pag umuulan. pahirapan ng paghahanap ng FX. Makakarating na lang ako kung saan. Nakakatamad naman kasi mag-LRT kasi hindi ako nakakatulog, eh paborito ko ngang matulog di ba? Haha. Syempre, pag-uwi, tulog na. Sinong nagsabing mag-aaral ako? Haha. Bukas na noh. Nakakatamad mag-aral kapag sobrang drain yung utak mo. Then, paggising sa umaga, another cycle of the day na naman. Paulit-ulit pero masaya kasi araw-araw may mga natututunan ako, may mga bagong nangyayari sa buhay ko.

Sobrang saya talaga ang student life! Makulay, challenging, at hindi boring.

So much sa kwentong buhay estudyante. Saka ko na lang ikukuwento yung iba. Ayayai. Buhay college. I'm missing you so much! Hehe.